One of my customers was surprised to hear that I’d been off work because of depression. This goes to show that no matter what you look like, how old you are, where you’re from or where you are, ANYONE can fall victim to depression. You are not alone.
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted as Owl Lady. It’s been a rough few weeks.
When I last talked to you I felt like I was well on my way to becoming my former self, and less of the shadow thereof that I feel I have become. I think of the former me with nostalgic envy. I’m jealous for want of a better word of the person I was just a year ago. Sure, I was recovering from a recent break up from a boyfriend of 4 years, but I was recovering and I was doing it well. I was strong, I felt untouchable. I started to date my current boyfriend (and my world) and was full of joy, I was at the peak of my fitness, outgoing, so confident, loving life and seeing all that was good in it. My social life was packed and every day began and ended on a high. I reflect on that version of myself and am overwhelmed by sadness. Where has she gone and when will she return. How do I find her?
As anyone who has suffered, or is suffering, from a mental illness will tell you, the road to recovery is a bumpy one. You will have ups and downs.
What I didn’t anticipate was quite how down those downs would be.
I started this blog after my depression reached a new level and I overdosed on pain killers in an attempt to block my mind from it’s thoughts and feelings. To numb myself you might say. Black out and not have to think. Or feel. But, after a couple of weeks of blogging and ‘getting myself right’ I felt ready to face the world again.
I returned to work with an adjusted schedule and was back in the swing of things before I knew it. I was loving being at work and socialising with customers and colleagues. I felt happy, truly on the mend. It lasted 6 days.
Without going in to too much detail, I finished my shift on Saturday afternoon and was passed out full of pills by midnight.
On the following Tuesday I woke up with a bloody mouth and a sensation that I had lost hours of my day. I’m epileptic and had suffered one my most violent grand-mals in months. This week wasn’t getting any better but the worst was still to come.
By Saturday night I was back in A&E.
My late experience of A&E is far from favourable. The doctors and nurses working in this department, it seems, are dispicably unable to not only treat, but to even empathise with patients who are punishing their bodies crying for help. After an initial promise of a visit from a mental health professional, I was asked to leave. Distraught and angry and depleted of hope, I lost it right there in the ward. Security was called and let me tell you those officers did more for my wellbeing that night than any doctor or nurse even attempted.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my dear friend Bethany who stayed by my side and convinced me that that night didn’t have to be the last of my life and that there was still hope.
The following days since have felt like dreams; the hours pass, then the days, and often differentiating dreams from reality becomes the biggest challenge of my day. I feel like I am losing my mind.
I have the strength this evening to write this but I am by no means as hopeful or as positive as I could, and hope I will eventually, be. I have an overwhelming anxiety, panic and paranoia that interrupts my life unexpectedly with no prior warning and for what seems like without any logical reason.
I have bruises that seem reluctant to fade and cuts that seem reluctant to heal, and a mind that seems to falling apart bit by bit.
But admidst this I must seek to find hope. I have to give myself purpose, to remind myself that I deserve to be part of this world. That despite what my illness forces me to believe, there are people who love me and want me in their world.
The ‘me’ that is trapped inside this diseased mind is talented, ambitious and hungry to succeed.
She has a future.
NOT.
Since the age of 18 I have suffered from ‘Idiopathic Generalised Epilepsy’ which has no key cause or trigger, but can be affected by, and thus can cause effect, on many aspects of ‘normal’ life.
Since taking me ‘me time’ back in the new year, I have been relatively on the mend. Or so I thought. I went back to work, I was enjoying it and performing well. Things were looking up. And then it took one tiny thing. One tiny, tiny thing that my depressed mind found ultimately impossible to cope with. My stress levels soar as does my ‘need’ or ‘desire’ to self medicate.
Following a lucky (or unlucky!) escape for a second time, it seems that my body was unable to withstand the pressure I (or better, my illness) had put on it.
Along with lack of sleep, substance abuse, alcohol, tiredness/exhaustion, STRESS is a sure fire way to trigger an Idiopathic Generalised Seizure. Throw in missing a couple of doses of anti-convulsant medication and you’re asking for disaster. 3 days ago I couldn’t have told you this. But, following a stressful and somewhat traumatic weekend, I wake up on my bed, unable to comprehend what day it is, what time it is, how long I’ve been unconcious, or why I have such a throbbing, stinging pain in my mouth. Cue, the realisation. When do I ever bite my tongue? After a seizure. Why am I so confused? Because I’ve had a seizure. Ok, no problem, it’s happened before. I’ll come round in 20-30 minutes or so and my tongue will be healed by morning.
Oh no. Not this time.
Here I am, 2 days on, having spent the majority of my waking hours in tears because of a) the pain b) the hunger from not being able to eat because of the pain and c) the general feeling of weakness, feeling drained and outright sorry for myself.
During the last couple of days I’ve treated my poor half munched tongue with pain killers and Bonjela, ice-pops, plenty of water, and the sheer comfort of a cup of tea. Until this afternoon where all failed to offer any restbite. So, I’ve taken a trip to the pharmacy, bought a tube of Oragel (extra strength dental liquid available over the counter) and a pharmacist-recommended bottle of Difflam throat rinse. This can be used around 1.5-3 hours, swished around the mouth or gargled, to treat pain in the mouth and throat.
So no sooner had I thought my life and my career was well back on the mend, here I am again, sat at home, unable to work and back to taking things day by day. I have to remind myself of the importance of ‘me time’. I’m no good to anyone, especially in retail, if I cannot speak! I cannot sell if I cannot talk about the products for which I am an ambassador. And furthermore, how can I give my all to something if my emtional and physical self is in a pit of despair?
Hopefully with the combination of these medicines, along with the painkillers and ice cubes (and not to mention some added TLC…from my loved ones and MYSELF) I’ll be able to avoid yet another trip to the GP Surgery, or worse, A&E, and will look back at this as yet another minor setback in my journey back to health.
Have any of you experienced similar difficulties? Did you find a solution?
How do you stay positive while dealing with depression as well as another long term illness?
Please share or inbox me on twitter @NickailaArnold or via personal email: x_kaila_x_@live.co.uk
It’s January, it’s winter. And it’s snowing. And this got me thinking. Sure, snow can cause a lot of disruption to our days and many see it as a nuisance. But how often do we stop to appreciate the beauty of snow? A friend of my lives, and has lived, in Brisbane, Australia her whole like and she has never seen snow. I couldn’t help but find that sad. She visited in 2012 for four months, from July until November and returned home just days before we got our first fall of snow for the winter. Again, I felt sad that she had missed it. There are fewer things I find more pleasurable than waking up on a morning where the sky is white, the ground is white and only touched by bird-step or a paw-print, and nothing more relaxing and peaceful than watching the snow fall. So I thought: Don’t hate the snow appreciate it. Appreciate that we are lucky to witness the beauty of snow first hand. Don’t hate, appreciate. This got me thinking further. This is a philosophy I would like to apply to all aspects of my life. Sure, there are many things in life that are easier to hate than appreciate. Body size, weight, appearance. Difficult situations and circumstances. But if we take time to really think about our ‘problem’s and difficulties and aim to find a positive outcome then we will be able to appreciate and embrace it rather than regret or hate it. For example, I have recently put on weight. This has meant my style has changed quite a lot. Crop tops, shorts and bikinis are out! But this has opened new doors for me. I am now dressing differently and have discovered ways of dressing that actually complement my new curves and probably make me look even sexier than before. I’ve learned to know my own body better. My boobs have gone up a cup size as a result and my boyfriend loves it! So it’s not all bad! Also, my breakdown at the start of this year. Attempting to take my own life led to more help from health professionals and this experience allowed me to be more open with them and thus help them to make a more informed diagnosis. So now I am on a better track of recovery than I was before. My relationship with my boyfriend sat a massive test. Again, we were able to recognise our problems and thus find solutions for them which in turn will make for a stronger relationship than we had before (we hope!). So what I am doing here is basically recognising the ‘everything happens for a reason’ philosophy. In some situations this philosophy may be impossible for some to apply to their situation (i.e. rape, murder) but in cases where you are able to, try your best to look for the positives in your negative situation. Many experiences are ‘learning curves’ . If someone hurts you in some way, or you hurt someone else, embrace the possibility that your experience has taught you something, has given you knowledge and strength, and the power to grow and change.
Earlier today I had a thought which I immediately put on to twitter via @MindCharity, a UK charity dedicated to mental health. It’s had such a positive response that I thought I would share it on here and explain the meaning behind it. The thought was:
“Never underestimate the power of ‘me’ time. You are a human ‘being’ not a human ‘doing’.”
Since my breakdown, I have taken some time out from work, mainly because I have been too down to face it and have needed some time to recover from my ordeal. It’s been 11 days and since starting this blog just yesterday I have started to see light at the end of the tunnel. If you too are struggling I strongly recommend you start your own blog, or write, or express your creativity in some way. I can’t stress how much it is helping (along with my healthy eating of course ;)). ‘Me’ time is a powerful tool. It allows you to just ‘be’. To be at one with yourself, to do (or not do) what makes you feel at ease. I started this blog. I experiment with my make up and nails. I go through my wardrobe and put together outfits and strut around in them for a bit. I shop online, browse beautiful images and read inpirational words. I have clearouts (I’m very big on ‘editing’ my life in all sorts of ways) I tidy up, I rearrange things, I read magazines, blogs, tweets, news, I add to my scrapbook, I take a bath. All things that on reflection have brought me to a much more pleasant state of mind. ‘Me’ time can be an hour, a day, or weeks. But it is essential that you take this time to heal. To become the new you. The best version of you that you have ever been.
“All great changes are preceded by chaos”
-Deepak Chopra
This felt like a good way to start. In December 2012 my life entered it’s own tornado of chaos following an impulsive act of self destruction. Welcome to depression. The mental illness that takes over your being, taking away your ability to think rationally, to control emotion and to live your life to the fullest you know it can be. But recognising depression and its effect on your life is one step towards beating it. It is unfortunate that it took a suicide attempt and indeed, a great deal of personal ‘chaos’ to convince me to make my great change. My great change starts now. This is my road to recovery.
mystyleowl 